Pandemic Times

I finally ate that mango. It was better than it looked. I hoped its sweetness would wipe away the realization that I have a slight stutter. Maybe it only manifests when I am on camera and maybe I have difficulty grabbing my thoughts and making sense of them in a coherent manner.

As I interviewed each special guest for my new YouTube channel for the “How to deal with stress and crisis” series, I had no idea of my irritating hesitation and the propensity to repeat words such as “you know.”

I wonder now if my brain was hesitating to ask tough questions or trying to avoid the constant “um” or the extra annoying word “like,” which is used for no reason and is uninvited to the spoken word party.

As the tender yellow sweetness of the mango entered the spin cycle of my mouth, I realized I was being too hard on myself. I didn’t go to school for journalism or train to be on camera. I am a newbie starting a YouTube channel to help people deal with stress.

My occasionally intellectual brain was more worried about extracting amazing and useful content from my guests and less preoccupied about how dumb I sounded with the “you know, I’ve I’ve I’ve, sort of, kind of, do you think” tornado questions making me sound like a stuttering fool with her head in the clouds.

I need to be more aware of these failings and not be so harsh on myself. I need to keep an eye on the ball: The purpose is to help people struggling with stress, depression, and anxiety during pandemic times and beyond.

As the mango purée slid down my throat, I surrendered to the possibility of improvement. They say, whoever “they” are, that practice makes perfect. Let’s see if that theory pans out.

Mónica Fernandes, 05/11/2020